Money Books: YMOYL vs. All The Money In The World

There is no real “battle” between the much-acclaimed “Your Money or Your Life (YMoYL)” and the recently published ”All The Money In The World (ATM)”.  In fact, they probably spring from the much of the same philosophy and focus on our relationship with money.  However, I think reading these back-to-back inspired me in completely different ways.

First some background…My natural frugal tendencies is often in conflict with some entreprenuerial impulses.  In general, frugality wins.  It’s not to say I  haven’t ventured out into more entreprenuerial territory but it’s definitely outside my comfort zone.   I have enough on my plate with my full-time job, commute, family, and other priorities in life.  Excuses aside, I sometimes wish I devoted more energy and money to earning more instead of just saving money via sales, negotiating and couponing.

“Your Money or Your Life” resonated with me because it largely supports an ‘alternative’ view of living, one  that is miles away from the rat race.  After finishing this book, I felt strongly that we should move to Italy with our kids.  I am ready for the next phase of my life, whatever that may be.  My husband is tired of life in the U.S. and we have always wanted to raise our kids in Europe, with Italy being the logical location.  While there are many cons, from economic woes to healthcare crisis, we felt that our kids would benefit from Italian culture and heritage.  

“All the Money in the World” appealed to my long dormant entrepreneurial side.   It made me question my choices and wonder if I should have been or become more focus on earning more, even if that means staying in the rat race.  That’s not to say ATM is the opposite of YMoYL.  In fact, ATM’s author is very entrepreneurial and has found her dream career, one that is lucrative enough and flexible for her and her family.  Much like YMoYL, she asks us to re-examine our choices in spending and questions whether our spending is aligned with our values.   The difference, is in the details.  While she cites examples from readers and other sources, I was most struck by examples from her own life.  In the chapter “Ode to a Ziploc bag”, she talks about our tendency to spend more as we get used to higher standards of living.  In one example, she recounts splurging on a $21.99 toy train for her son.  He has more than enough trains just as so many of us have enough shoes, clothes, electronics and other “toys”.   At what point is it enough?  However, what struck me more most about this example was that she could afford to spend that amount.  I want to spend on my kids without worry.  Would we be able to do that if we move to Italy and essentially start over?

My conflicting responses to these two books is probably more indicative of my state of mind than the intended messages.  I think both books have value and will make you examine your own money beliefs.

Left Out

I haven’t thought at all about popularity since high school.  I was so glad to leave those days behind and move on to college, which was much more my style.  I loved meeting people from different geographic areas and eventually found my niche.   Nowadays, at work, I’m more of a loner but it’s of my own choosing.  I have work friends but I often have to run errands or unwind with a magazine or book.

As a working parent, my time is mostly devoted to work or kids.  We rarely get any couple time.  I see my family because they help with the kids.  I’m happy to get one hour of exercise per week. It’s easy to see how friends fall to the wayside.

What makes it worse though is that no one is inviting me anywhere.  I find out about casual family get-togethers a day before because everyone assumes I can’t make it on the weekends.  This is sort of true but it’s a strange assumption because I’m not always saying I’m busy or tired and I didn’t start turning down invites; the invites just stopped coming. 

I should be glad because it spares me from having to make excuses.  However, I would have liked to join in on some events if only I had been given more notice.

Of course I’m assuming that I haven’t turned into one of those annoying parents who can only talk about their genius kids.  Anyway, I should just tell people and hope that invites start coming again.  What stops me is that I will probably end up turning down 99% of invites.

This brings me to another related topic. I hate Facebook and smartphones, or rather technology’s influence on my relationships.  In pre-Facebook days, or before all my friends started using it and smartphones, I received long emails on a frequent basis.  Now most only update and post photos on Facebook so you get out of the loop if you don’t use it, too.  And instead of emails, I usually get a quick text update written on their phone.  I know it takes more time to write a separate email to that one friend when you can update all your “friends” at once, but I like to think that there are/were some things that you share with a particular friend, not everyone who liked you on Facebook.

How do you stay in touch in this tech-driven age?  Do you ever feel like you’re the last person NOT on Facebook? Or do you love Facebook and think hold-outs are out-of-touch Amish-types?

A Vacation, Downsized

In my pre-kid days, a vacation meant exotic locales with a good mix of relaxation and exploration.  I would look forward to this weeks ahead of time, think through my packing list, and put the image of the destination on my computer screen as I count the days til departure.  My husband and I love traveling and we always had a memorable experience.

Traveling with one kid is very do-able but becomes a different experience with two, one that we’re not so eager to take on.   Plus, with stretched finances and limited time, it’s not feasible to take a long vacation anymore.

That’s where I got the idea of taking off a day or two every month.  I need to spend more time with my kids, period.  Even an extra day per month makes a difference mentally.  At first, I thought we could go to the park, library or do some other unique kid-friendly activity.  Maybe I would join stay-at-home moms on play dates.  I got tons of ideas from parenting websites and local parenting groups.   At the very least, I would also use part of the day to exercise and then just enjoy having more time with the kids.

Reality check.  Most vacation days turned into a ”catch-up” errand day.  The laundry load multiplied to make up for my extra time.  I’m serious!  We were lucky to head out to a nearby park for half an hour at 5:30 p.m.

Naturally I got very down about my new vacation experience, to the point that I almost did not take a day off this month.  Then I re-sized my expectations to:  Getting to sleep in, not commuting and time with kids.  That’s it.  No planned excursions.  Nothing exciting.  More time to do the laundry.  This was okay.   This is probably very depressing to non-parents but I was actually more content after this realization.

On a recent day “off”, I cooked a lot of baby food, folded laundry, did laundry, and got the kids to both nap at the same time.  My husband ran a few errands that are just easier to do without the kids.  We didn’t even attempt to go out as a family.  Both kids were extra clingy and sweet and I “solved” a diaper rash crisis (yes, crisis…), making me mom of the year at our household.  Those things made my vacation all worthwhile.

Did you have a new definition of vacation after parenthood?

Squalor, Or Don’t Get Brainwashed By Pretty Magazines…

It’s Spring and the pages of women’s magazines and websites are probably covering the topics of organization and cleaning with mind-numbing zealotry.  My reaction this year is DON’T. Just don’t buy into it.  As Nicole and Maggie at Grumpy Rumblings said at some point, living in squalor is a good thing.  They probably did a post about this but I’m too lazy to link it.

Much as I try to embrace my inner messy teenager, I usually do let things like dirty floors and dishes in the sink get to me.  So I get very proud of myself whenever I’m able to ignore the mess, even if it’s only for a 30-minute stretch  here and there over a weekend, in-between bursts of cleaning. 

This past weekend, I was feeding my kids and doing nothing else.  I didn’t check emails. I ignored a sink full of dishes, a countertop covered with plates and cans, a full trash can, mystery spots on the kitchen floor and a dirty stovetop.  That’s when I remind myself that nothing is more important than enjoying parenthood (and for those without kids, enjoying life).

Of course, after feeding time, I did clean the sink a little and put some stuff away.   My husband took out the trash and emptied the dishwasher.  I folded tons of laundry.  We did tons of “stuff” that don’t make it on a to-do list but needs to get done.   I just wasn’t about to go that extra mile to make our home into my Martha Stewart fantasy.  I bet that even Martha lived in squalor when her kid (or kids?) were young!

Do you do spring cleaning?  Are women cleaning while men focus on fun and/or career-development?

A Precarious Balance

I’ve been thinking a lot again about work/life balance because of Working Mother magazine.  A recent issue profiled an MD, a supervisor and a high-power executive at a tech company about their work-life struggles.  In general all their articles profile women in higher-income brackets, probably due to the demographics of their readers and the general assumption is that if these women can do it, people with more regular schedules can, too. 

While I enjoy reading about these high-powered women and also about freelance WOHM moms, I feel that the majority of media ignores those truly in the middle-class (and lower middle-class).   We don’t enjoy the kind of flexibility that higher-powered women enjoy and we can’t delegate away chores like those with financial advantages. 

At my company, those in manager positions and above enjoy a higher autonomy.   They don’t have to ask permission to work from home.  They also have the money for nanny and cleaning help, something that my household has paid for but at a great sacrifice (and only temporarily).   They can still enjoy many luxuries like massages, travel and dining out.  True, they have greater responsibilities, too, and they’ve earned it.  But their solutions often aren’t applicable to those those in lower income brackets.  In other words, they can buy some balance while many people don’t have that same privilege.

That’s why I’m sharing my thoughts now, as a non-manager making a middle-class salary in a high cost of living area.  Like many average working people, I don’t enjoy the flexibility of working from home or part-time hours, both of which I truly crave, so I make the best of my situation.  Before I delve into my tips, I must say that we manage OK because my husband does have a flexible schedule and we have nearby parental help.   The third part of the equation is flexibility at work, something that is within my control to a degree.  

1. Earn Your Stripes:  What do I mean by this? I mean that before having kids, you should build a solid work reputation and prove your value to your boss, so that he/she trusts you to do your job without constant monitoring.  If your boss values you, there is a greater forgiveness factor when you have kids and your finely balanced life is thrown off-kilter.  There’s a chance that you’ll manage to keep your career almost on track or entirely on track if you’re a true superstar and that you’ll still get just enough family time to keep sane and happy.   I have managed to “earn my stripes” so to speak at my current company and with my current boss. Although I am sure that he’s not happy about my increased absences, he and my co-workers have been super supportive because I still finish my projects on-time.  Plus,  I have a reputation for being efficient, productive and supportive of others. 
2. Learn to read your boss: Every boss is different. I’ve had bosses who valued creativity; one who valued initiative; another that valued anticipating his/her needs.  If you can make yourself invaluable in ways that matter most to your boss, you’ll be more appreciated.   This sounds like simple advice but I’ve seen many employees who focus mostly on what they want to do, without thinking about company goals or what makes their boss’s life easier.
3. Take certain projects off your boss’s plate:  With Tip #2 in mind, If you have a strong skill where your boss is lacking, try taking that project off his/her plate.  For example if your boss hates to write, offer to do more writing-related projects. Same for reporting or spreadsheets or presentations.  Ideally your strengths are his/her weaknesses.
4. Take longer lunches:  Because I’m a trusted team member, my boss doesn’t watch my comings and goings like a hawk.  I appreciate this and I don’t take advantage.  On most days, I actually take shorter lunches and when it’s super busy, I eat at my desk.  However, if it’s a slow day, I can run errands and eat lunch in a little over an hour. Having that flexibility to get bigger chores out of the way allows me to have more free time during non-work hours.
5. Just plain dumb luck:  You can work really hard but your boss just thinks that everyone is a robot and can put in 110% with no risk of burn-out.  I’ve been fortunate to have many good bosses.  I’ve also been “fortunate” that for various reasons, my co-workers have had work/balance issues, too, so that the spotlight isn’t on me, the dreaded working mom of young kids (!).

I’m glad that I have this flexibility and while my life often feels unbalanced, this flexibility allows me to plow forward and enjoy parenthood without guilt. 

Here are more interesting thoughts on the work/life balance:

http://thehappiestmom.com/2009/05/balance-vs-flexibility/

http://www.wandering-scientist.com/2012/02/no-ones-gonna-stop-me-from-having-it.html

Laura  Vanderkam wrote a book about time management and while I haven’t read it, I was struck by the negative reviews on Amazon.com — basically her advice was mostly applicable to those with money and only certain types of careers like writing:  http://www.amazon.com/168-Hours-Have-More-Think/dp/B0043RT8EU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329869680&sr=8-1

How do you manage the work/life balance? Do you have flexibility? I’m especially curious to hear from those in non-management level jobs who don’t have the funds to delegate away chores and errands!

Time Envy

For someone who has only occasional envy issues with the mythical wealthy Jones family (i.e. keeping up with the Joneses), I do get jealous of family and friends more often than I like to admit.  I wish I could offer a solution (i.e. how to overcome envy in 10 easy steps) but I’m not quite there yet and not in any position to dispense advice.  I do know that long-term envy is not healthy for me or anyone, period.  No wonder it’s one of the seven deadly sins!  

My envy is very specific.  It’s rarely about money. Although I do want more money sometimes, I realize that most people that earn more also work at more stressful jobs than I do.  It’s hard to manage employees and answer to demanding higher-ups.  The trade-off is not worth it for me.   For me, envy rears its head when I think about people with more free time.   

Strangely, my envy is usually directed at my stay-at-home mom friends.  I  say “strangely” because I’m not under any illusion that staying at home is easy or relaxing.  No one I know well has a trust fund or are stay-at-home and childless, two groups which probably really deserve anyone’s envy.

So right now, my envy is directed at those who have quit the rat race, especially those with school age children.  While I know it’s still work and there’s a house to keep clean on top of everything else, these friends seem to have more time to work out, read books or just visit the zoo on an uncrowded day!  And if life is anything like those depicted on mom blogs, home life is 50% crazy (kid eats crayons or throws tantrums) but also 50% slower. 

I fully understand that a slower pace isn’t all fun and games.   A lot of that time is spent managing a household from laundry to doctor appointments to cooking 2-3 meals a day.  However,  I also get the sense that their time is less hectic overall (again, with the caveat that this is my perception once their kids or at least one kid is in school).  When you stay home, you’re the master of your own time.  You don’t often have deadline-oriented projects.  You’re not bombarded with requests and questions via emails and instant messages.   You have time to just move at your own pace.

It’s important to note that I’m not dismissing homelife as anything less, just because it’s not as busy as work life.  Obviously taking care of children is important. ( I also do not say ‘raising children’ because I believe both working and non-working parents raise their children.)  However, I think that our society has placed such importance on busy-ness that even stay-at-home spouses have to say that they’re as busy as everyone else.  I don’t know many SAHMs who would say that they have more time than those working, so my theory is based on reading blogs and personal observation.  When I’m off on weekdays, I run into calm-looking moms strolling through malls with their kids and friends.  They have downtime to smell the roses, so to speak.   I suppose that’s the benefit of not having to cram errands in between a commute and deadlines?

These feelings of envy are often followed by guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel this way and just be happy for others.  I also know that doing endless loads of laundry and household chores would make me very unhappy!

On a personal note, I’m dealing with my time envy in a few ways.  I think it was a suggestion from Tragic Sandwich but I’m trying to take at least one vacation day per month.  If I remember correctly, she uses it for organizing but I’m not that virtuous.  However, that one extra day allows me to stretch out my time and work at my own slower pace.  I’m able to get things off my to-do list and also find time for exercise and just playtime.

That’s not to say I’m not still enjoying parenthood overall.  I love watching my kids play (they’re quite close in age) and letting them discover their own games like peek-a-boo and “let’s-roll-over-on-each-other-and-laugh” plus the usual bickering and bopping each other on the head. 

Is my impression of staying home completely unrealistic or is there a grain of truth?  Do you envy those with more money or more time? 

My Balance: Oil and Garlic

A Cup of Jo has a great series on working moms. She interviews work-from-home moms, mostly bloggers and those in design-related jobs. It’s a refreshing look at work/life balance and I really enjoy reading about how other moms “do it all.”  I also wished I read this before I had kids.

Since the women spotlighted are freelancers with relatively flexible schedules, I thought it would be helpful to add in my thoughts as a working mom with a long commute and non-flexible schedule! 

 Note: A few hours after posting this, I realized that my situation is still easier than having both parents working traditional 9 to 5 jobs.  For example, for the first 6 months, my husband handled the night shift so I could rest and go to work. If we both had to get to the office, we would have to split the shift, which would have been pretty hellish.  It does seem to get better once babies start sleeping through the night at around 7-8 months.

1. What’s your work schedule?

I get up at the insanely early hour of 5:15-5:45 a.m. depending on the day.  I get up earlier if I have to bring the kids to my parents.  On the days we have a nanny, I get up about half an hour later.   I have a 40 minute to an hour drive to work each morning. 

I start by 7:30 am and it’s often go, go, go.  I do some of my best work in the mornings.   My lunch hour is my “alone” time.  I do run errands sometimes but I also try to just relax and read at least 3 times a week.   If it’s really busy at work, I try to work through lunch rather than stay late.   I get home around 5:30 pm every night. I hop into the shower and try to spend as much time with the kids as possible.  My husband usually makes dinner.  The kids are in bed by 8:30 – 9 pm which is pretty late. I think they should sleep sooner but I admit that I like the extra time with them.  We try to give ourselves an hour or so to wind down but oftentimes I’m lucky to get a half hour of TV.

The only flexibility with my work hours is the start/end time.  Years ago I chose an early start time to avoid traffic.  It has worked out well since I didn’t have to switch my hours after having children.

2. How do you handle childcare?

We have a part-time nanny who also does some light housecleaning, which makes a huge difference!  My parents also help part-time.  My husband has a freelancer’s schedule so he is able to be with the kids the most.  I feel lucky that I have such a wide support system even though there are many days that I wish I was the one at home with them. 

3. What do you find best about your current set-up?

I keep reading about people who work 50+ hours a week so I guess I’m glad that I work 40 hours (45 if you count the hour lunch) and that I’m not expected to work on weekends or be on call.   I really value my weekends and try to spend most of that time at home with the kids.   I definitely don’t make enough effort for “me” time or date nights with my husband and I should! 

4. What advice would you give to other moms about the juggle?

There is so much to say about this!  I’ve written about working mother guilt and the work/life juggle before.  Guilt is so unnecessary and the work/life juggle is harder than you can imagine. 

I think that women in the U.S. don’t have a real choice when it comes to staying home because our maternity leave system is horrible.  You’re asked to make that major decision after 3 months (or less) when you’re sleep-deprived and your baby is so needy. Plus working makes breastfeeding very difficult and I think maternity leave should coincide with breastfeeding needs at the very least. 

My best advice is to NOT equate staying home with being a good mother. You can be a good mom if you work!  My second best advice is to really look at your husband as an equal partner, not the secondary caretaker.  It’s great for the husband to be there for the kids, too, and in many cases, it’s possible because you both work.

On a practical level, take advantage of online services like Amazon Mom. They have great prices on diapers and wipes plus free shipping.  Update: Amazon Mom sometimes changes its program and benefits so I can’t say it’s always the best for diapers and wipes anymore.  I miss it though for its convenience but don’t want to pay for a Prime membership and no longer qualify for the Amazon Mom membership. 

5. Do you think the juggle is harder for women than for men?
Yes.  Women are just judged more harshly for being away from their children.  I supposed we’re also wired differently in some respects.  Women are also expected to be the family event coordinator, and the one who buys all the gifts and writes thank you notes etc…  If you and your husband both forget a birthday, even if it’s his side of the family, the wife will probably get judged for the lapse while the man gets a free pass.

It’s not that men are off the hook in terms of guilt.  Society guilts men the other way. If they’re not “supporting the family”, they can feel bad. They don’t have the playgroups and support groups that SAHMs have.