Fear Of A Good Rant

It’s funny. Some of my favorite bloggers write very good, no-holds barred rants on topics ranging from over-the-top party planners to hated celebrities.  And it goes without saying that some of my favorites posts on a multitude of blogs are rants.   Yet everytime I start writing “rant” type posts, I either don’t finish or post a rather watered-down version. 

Here’s how it typically goes:

Step One: Pick A Topic:  My go-to target is Gwneyth Paltrow and GOOP.  I start my rant.  She’s an easy topic for me or for anyone for that matter. Who doesn’t laugh at a privileged white rich girl married to a rock star who decides to dispense advice to the masses?  Anyway, I decided to subscribe to the GOOP newsletter so I can get a first-hand peek at her life.  There is plenty of fodder for rants.  A recent newsletter highlighted a friend dropping by for dinner, only that friend isn’t an unemployed buddy from college like it might be for us regular folks.  That friend is a world famous Spanish chef who makes authentic paella and a few recipes with pate and truffles! 

Step Two: Write Fast: Usually when I feel like ranting, I go on a roll.  I can’t type fast enough to capture my own thoughts.

Step Three: Self-Censorship or Decimate Original Article: After letting my draft sit in the queue for a few days, I start deleting more hurtful words or sentences.  I may even clarify sentences that seem to harsh.  Example: If I write a particularly mean-spirited sentence about Gwyneth Paltrow,  I will add something like, ”She probably doesn’t even realize this due to her pampered upbringing”.   I might even add a praise or two, as: “While I think she’s a talented actress and enjoyed her work in Sliding Doors and Shakespeare in Love…”  See, where I’m going?

It’s as if I expect Gwyneth Paltrow or the head of her fan club to stumble upon my blog!  And even so, it’s not like I really care or should really care if I offend someone. That’s the beauty of a good rant, right?

Another problem is that I tend to see the gray in everything.  I do think some of the tips in the GOOP newsletter are helpful.  I do think Gwyneth Paltrow has good fashion sense. 

Step Four: Publish a watered-down rant, which I probably would only describe as random thoughts, or don’t post at all.  (Example 1: I wanted to title a post “I Hate My Dogs” and then changed it to “Sometimes I Hate Having Dogs.”; Example 2: I wanted to say “I Hate Foodies” but changed the title and shortened the post to the less offensive “Don’t Call Me A Foodie.”)

Anyway, as I work on making this blog more honest, I will attempt to write a few good rants now and then.  If you knew me in real life, you’d know that’s more my style than the polite version you get here!

Do you love to read or write rants?

Another Reason To Hate My Dogs

A while back, I wrote about how much I hate having dogs.  Now I have yet another reason. We’re looking for a place closer to my job and parents. This would make the quality of our lives, especially mine, so much better.  No more long commute.  More parental help! A better neighborhood. Better schools for our kids.  I would be less stressed.  I would see my kids more!  We could walk around our neighborhood.  I would have time to cook and we can both do more fun things together.  My husband wouldn’t have to put up with my complaints as often.  Did I mention reducing my 1 hour each way commute from hell??  I’m even willing to pay higher rent for all these advantages.

The problem is that our options are severely limited due to ownership of 2 large dogs.  The average rent goes up by about $300, give or take.   This is not a small matter — I’m talking about an extra “dog penalty” of $300 or more in addition to a $500+ rent increase for moving to a better neighborhood.  I’m willing to pay $400 – 500 more for a better area / schools, but another $300 – 400 just for dogs!?  Not sure sure if we can swing it or if we can, I will curse them in my dying days when I’m old and eating dog food due to inability to save a penny because of these dogs.  A bigger problem is that many landlords are willing to accept one small dog, but not two big ones, even with extra security deposits. 

At this moment, I wish we did not own dogs.  (No lectures please….We’re too responsible to abandon them and on most days, I truly think they’re a part of our family.)

Do you ever think about the cost of your dogs?

Have You Eaten Pink Slime?

“Pink Slime” are trimmings that come from the parts of a cow most susceptible to contamination due to exposure to fecal matter, and was not considered fit for human consumption years ago.  Unfortunately the U.S. food industry found a solution that involved “treating” these trimmings with ammonia gas to kill germs.   Despite consumer concerns, the United States Department of Agriculture refused to stop this practice or at least make companies identify this process on food labels until a recent uproar due to ABC news coverage and this online petition.

The uproar concerned the use of pink slime in school lunches, which is a major problem, but it’s an issue that affects everybody.  One of my favorite recipes is ragu sauce with ground beef.  Luckily I’ve been choosing the organic ground beef and this confirms organic is the safer way to go.  Still, according to the ABC news video I saw, while organic is probably safe, the safest option is watching the butcher grind the beef for you.   The good thing is that major retailers are finally beginning to act in response to consumer demands.   

So far, the following have agreed to stop carrying products with pink slime:

• Safeway
• SUPERVALU, which operates Acme, Albertsons, Cub Foods, Farm Fresh, Hornbacher’s, Jewel-Osco, Lucky, Shaw’s/Star Market, Shop ‘n Save and Shoppers Food & Pharmacy
• Food Lion
• Walmart
• Sam’s Club

Pink slime is NOT in ground turkey or chicken, so I may start using that for my meat sauces and hamburgers.   Those are healthier options anyway!   Pink slime  is also in some processed meats.

Parental Leave

It’s hard for me to write a coherent post about the lack of paid maternity (or parental leave) in the U.S.  As far as I’m concerned, we’re very short-sighted about the whole thing compared to Europe and most industrialized countries.  While we pay lip service to the importance of family, our policies (or lack of) work against families, especially those with working parents.  Until this changes, individuals have to make the best of it and more often than not, women quit the workforce out of frustration and lack of support.  (Of course I think a part of this has to do with the fact that many people simply feel that women should stay home).

I believe that  the U.S. had at least 6 months of paid maternity leave (1 year would be ideal and also with paid paternity leave).  I think at least 6 months is needed in order to coincide with 6-months of breastfeeding, which is the minimum recommended by pediatricians.  I can honestly say that a huge part of the reason I quit breastfeeding is that I could not muster the energy to pump at work while juggling meetings and deadlines.  And even if you don’t pity me and fellow white collar professionals, I know that it’s impossible for those in the service industries to pump and work.  Pumping takes time and flexibility, which is often lacking in job situations.  Just six months would allow working moms to provide infants with the best nutrition (I’m not “against” formula but do believe that it’s best to give breast milk). 

Working Mother magazine is trying to address this with an effort to get Congress to enact a law on parental leave by 2015 that will benefit women and their families.  You can read details here. (Truthfully I would do more but anything is better than nothing.)

What’s your story?  Would a longer and/or paid maternity leave had made it easier to return to work?  I’m certain a longer leave would have made it easier for me.  After 6 months, I was finally getting sleep and rest again.  After 6 months to a year, it’s a bit easier to leave an infant with caretakers.

Spread the word, and let’s act collectively to help ALL women and families…

An End To Working Mom Guilt

In honor of Mother’s Day and my hard-working mom, I thought I would share my “wisdom” for all working mothers out there in hopes of ending any guilt they may feel about not staying at home.

I am not writing this from the perspective of a working mother, which I am, but from the perspective of a daughter whose mother went back to work while I was very young.  She did not have the luxury of staying home and when our family needed more money, she simply went back to work.  I don’t think she wanted to work but she did so without complaint.   After several years out of the work force, she could not get a good-paying job; in fact, she toiled for many years with little financial reward.  After many years, she found a better paying job and got several promotions at that company before retirement.

Luckily my mom worked mostly during the pre-Internet era; otherwise she might have hopped on parenting forums and blogs where there are endless working moms vs. SAHMs discussions with a lot of guilt-inducing arguments against working moms.    For those women who do work, or are thinking of having kids and working, I hope my thoughts will obliterate any sense of guilt about working motherhood:

1. I don’t want someone else raising my kids.  This statement makes zero sense.  If this were true, that would mean that most fathers don’t raise their kids because most of them work.   While my parents worked, my grandmother took care of me during the day.  I love my grandmother but I never doubted that my mother (and father) raised me.  Her influence in my life was not diminished because she wasn’t physically with me all day.
2. Staying at home does not automatically make you a good mother.  Oftentimes there is an implication that the SAHM is a better mom. While I do agree that if you’re less frazzled and stressed, parenting is easier, I don’t agree that it makes you a better mother.  If you are normally impatient or critical, you will still be so whether you stay home or not.  If you’re naturally generous and giving, you will still be so if you work.  I know many people who have difficult relationships with their SAHM because their mother was overbearing, cold, critical or impatient.  I was fortunate that my mother is naturally loving, patient and kind and those are the qualities that make you a great parent. 
3. Kids are more resilient than you think (and don’t need to be the center of the world).  Yes, infants are needy and should be held even if you have to keep them in a Bjorn 24/7 and you can’t shower or eat (oops…sorry for the sidetracking due to my recent experiences).  However, once kids are a little older, it’s fine to show them a larger world with other caretakers.  I think my grandmother generally followed the guidelines set by my parents; however, I’m sure she may have indulged us more or done things differently sometimes.  In the end, it just makes you see the world through different perspectives vs. the isolated world of  “Mommy and Me” times. 
4. It’s OK to want retirement savings (and vacations).  Many women justify the cost of staying home by saying that they would make about the same as daycare costs.  However, I know many who quit because they would only make $5,000 more per year after taxes, gas, drycleaning etc.  While this amount may be true, $5,000 more per year can be critical upon retirement.  $5,000 more per year can mean a well-deserved vacation.  Most people also conveniently forget to factor in raises or promotions during those working years.  More importantly, many forget that if/when they return to work, they’ve missed out on their prime earning years and may not be able to find a job at all.  Sadly, I know several women in bad financial situations because they are afraid or unable to find work after years out of the workforce.   
5. You’re A Role Model. I read once that women who have daughters are more likely to work and that men with daughters are more likely to promote women. It makes sense to me.  If you have a daughter, you want her to reach her full potential, and that may not only mean motherhood.
6. Grandmothers are great!  If after reading reasons #1 through #5, you still feel guilty, think about how much you can help your grown child when you retire from work and offer to help with grandchildren.  That’s really all you have to do to alleviate any guilt from your absence during your child’s early years.  I am fortunate that my mom is a very willing babysitter.  While I think a child is fine at a good daycare center or with a good nanny, nothing is better than a loving grandparent!

I admit that I have mixed feelings about working, but I don’t want anyone to make me feel guilty or feel sorry for me because I work.  Everyone needs to do what is best for their families.  In this day and age, two incomes does not necessarily mean cable TV or fancy vacations, it can mean the difference between a stable financial environment and retirement.  And if it does mean allowing for extra indulgences, that’s fine, too.  Life is too short for guilt.  Happy Mother’s Day!

For a hilarious take on working mother guilt, or anything related to motherhood, check out Rants from Mommyland.

Advice From Writers And Celebs

If you blog long enough, you probably start a section for rants. It’s evitable. You get more comfortable with your voice and you realize that you have an outlet, finally, to vent to the world no matter how small your readership is…  This isn’t my first real rant. I think I railed enough about our healthcare system and glossy magazines, but this could qualify as my first “pure” rant. 

On msn.com, I came across a section titled “Spring Cleaning Tips from Celebs” including the likes of Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow of Goop.com fame.  While I wouldn’t be surprised if Martha actually did clean just for the thrill of it, I think celebs advice can be summed up with: Ask the Maid(s) to do a deeper cleaner of my 10-bedroom mansion.  Please don’t pretend you’re like the rest of us in this category.

On the same note, I recently read 1 or 2 articles in Real Simple magazine about work-life balance.  I believe one wrote books while the other freelanced for magazines and newspapers.  Both had children but worked from home most days.  While they did have some good tips, I could not take their advice seriously.    If you work from home, you are not in a position to give work-life advice.  You have a lot more flexiblity than many people out in the work world.   Maybe I’m being a bit harsh but I want real-world advice from worker bees who don’t have that much flexibility or control over their schedules.  I guess that’s what blogs are for?

Simple Living, Italian Style: The Kitchen

This is a second in my series examining simple living, the Italian way.  I’m intrigued by the Italian outlook on life and find that it meshes well with the American simplicity movement, but with a zest for life (la dolce vita) that gives it a more joyful twist. 

I’ve written before about our tiny kitchen and 10+ year old dishwasher (the little dishwasher that could…) but I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.  We have all that we need and can afford a newer dishwasher when the time comes.  What got me thinking about the kitchen again was Frugal Scholar’s recent series on kitchen renovations.  During the process, she started pining for an $8,000 French stove…until she imagined a French friend rolling her eyes in shock at that silly indulgence.

This tale of French frugaliy reminded me of Italian frugality, which I think might be rather similar when it comes to cooking and kitchens.  The only difference is that the frugal French friend sets you straight with an eye-roll while an Italian would probably find a friendlier way to tell you.  Both cultures are known for excellent cuisine and boast some great home cooks, yet the “dream kitchen” of granite counters, stainless steel sinks, Viking stoves and restaurant-quality appliances is a distinctly American one.

During the recent housing boom, Americans were bombarded with glossy lifestyle magazines and TV shows that paraded dream kitchens and renovations. At the same time, the media touted kitchen renovations as fool-proofed investments and banks easily approved home equity lines of credit.  No wonder Americans started believing that bigger is better and more expensive is even better.  If you have a giant house, you want a giant kitchen, right?

In Italy, there wasn’t a massive housing boom brought on by easy credit. I believe it was and still is common to put more than 20% down on a house.  I’m sure that it’s easier to resist the allure of walnut cabinets and $8,000 stoves if no one around you is spending like mad on kitchen renovations.

Perhaps Americans subconsciously believe that a high-end kitchen will result in good cooking and fun dinner parties with friends and family (as pictured in the numerous glossy magazines). The thinking goes like this: “I hate slaving in the kitchen but if I had X and Y, I would cook more. And if I cook more, I’d invite people over and spend more quality time with friends and family.”  At least that’s my theory….

The kitchen is truly the heart of the Italian home and this cannot be bought.  Don’t get me wrong.  Most of the Italian kitchens I’ve seen have good cabinetry, nice appliances and excellent tilework (no cheap linoleum), yet very few are flashy or decked out like a restaurant kitchen.  If you know how to cook, you’ll realize there’s little need for a fancy dual-range double oven or mega-refrigerator. In general, due to history of home-cooking and food-loving culture, Italians are better able to appreciate a well-used kitchen over an idealized dream version.

As with all generalizations, there are caveats.  I don’t know if younger Gen-Y Italians are more likely to want a restaurant-style kitchen.  If Italians do brag, it may be about clothing, trips or other things.  My personal history has also affected my perception. I remember listening to a colleague brag about her expensive stove and other fancy appliances; she was the typical aspirational spender, with a house bought with zero percent down, a designer clothing addiction, and a lease on a luxury car on a middle-class salary.  A friend owned several high-end pots and pans that sat unused for years. I’ve known many who considered fancy kitchens a status symbol in the vein of luxury cars or a sauna.  Maybe what bothers me most is the huge disconnect between reality and fantasy!

It’s nice to daydream but I think we could all benefit from re-imagining our dream kitchens as a more functional, simpler place.  At the end of the day, it’s not about the expensive pans or appliances, it’s really all about the food.